1 7 Secrets of Communication—Scriptural PerspectiveArlene R. Taylor PhD Brain References

2 Background Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncI presented a series of brain-function seminars to an annual convention of chaplains—schools, hospitals, military installations, retirement homes, detention centers, etc They asked if I could add Scripture references for chaplains to use in some of their group meetings—in general people in prison have communication issues. . .

3 Caveats Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncYou tend to communicate with others in the style you use to communicate with yourself (encouraging or critical; looking for what’s wrong or what’s right) An effective communication style tends to mirror an effective life in which the person has low needs to blame, be defensive, or even to be right—because every brain only has its own opinion

4 One Way to Improve Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncIdentify role models who communicate effectively Study what they do well Learn what to avoid Emulate desirable strategies Practice consciously and consistently

5 Role Models Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncYou can find many good role models to learn from, as well (e.g., Mother Teresa, Billy Graham) Scripture constitutes an owner’s manual for everyday living—the stories portray Christ as the ultimate role model for effective communication

6 Seven Secrets Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncThe four gospels contain examples of Christ’s communication style, components of which correlate with current brain-function information There may be many more secrets—here are seven to get your started

7 Secret #1 Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncUsed an Affirming Style Use short, positive, present tense, empowering words Speak as if you are already realizing your goal: I am, I can, I do… Avoid negatives as the subconscious tends to follow the first “picture” that goes into working memory

8 Secret #1, Cont’d Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncThe right hemisphere has difficulty with the word “no” It is interested in options, possibilities, how to get what it wants (a “yes”) Say yes whenever possible, even if you need to add a qualifier: Yes if, yes when, yes after, yes until

9 Secret #1, Cont’d Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncExamples:  I am that I am —Exodus 3:14 Take courage —Mark 6:50 Your sins are forgiven —Mark 2:5 Let the children come to me —Luke 18.16   Your request is granted —Matt 15:28 Neither do I condemn you —John 8:11 You are the light of the world —Matt 5:13-14

10 Secret #2 Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncTold Stories They convey information and teach lessons in a non- threatening manner Human brains love stories, learn easily from them, and store and recall them more readily than facts / figures

11 Secret #2, Cont’d Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncExamples: Always told stories —Mark 4:33 Marriage at Cana —John 2:1 Healing deaf-mute man —Mark 7:32 Parable of the two sons —Matt 21:28 Parable of the sower —Luke 8:1 Healing blind man —Mark 8:22 —John 9:1

12 Secret #3 Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncAsked Questions An astute question, asked in a non-threatening non-demeaning manner, can result in a plethora of positives The brain goes through a very different process when it is asked a question compared to simply being given a fact

13 Secret #3, Cont’d Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncTrigger new thought processes Teach indirectly Increase listener awareness Create active mental picturing Elicit information without triggering the brain to downshift Provide examples and motivation for healthier and more desirable behaviors

14 Secret #3, Cont’d Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncExamples: What things? —Luke 24:19 What did Moses command? —Mark 10: 3 Whose portrait is this? —Mark 1:16 Will you give me a drink? —John 4:7 What did you go to see? —Matt 11:7 Has no one condemned you? —John 8:10 What do you want me to do? —Mark 10: 51 Was John’s baptism from heaven or from men? —Luke 20:3

15 Secret #4 Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncMinimized Asking “Why” PET Scan studies showed that “why” questions tended to create anxiety and triggered downshifting in the listener’s brain In this culture, “why” is perceived as threatening and tends to evoke anxiety, fear, and defensiveness

16 Secret #4, Cont’d Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncExamples: If the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? —Matt 5: 13 Do not even pagans do that? —Matt 5:47 Are you not more valuable? —Matt 6:26 And why do you worry about clothes… will not God also clothe you? —Matt 6:28

17 Secret #4, Cont’d Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncTry asking instead: When you did (such and such) what did you think might happen? What did you want to have happen? What could you do differently next time? If you made a different choice what might be the possible consequences?

18 Secret #5 Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncSpoke simply, clearly, and directly Saves time Avoids confusion / ambiguity Reduces risk of miscommunication Increases likelihood of desired outcome

19 Secret #5, Cont’d Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncExamples: Follow me —Mark 1:17 Rise and go —Luke 17:18 This is how to pray —Matt 6:9-13 Here is your mother —John 19:27 Take your mat and go home —Mark 2:5  Go and leave your life of sin —John 8:11   Get away from me! —Matt 4:10   Stretch out your hand —Luke 6:10

20 Secret #6 Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncAvoided Argument Was uncompelled to answer every question and was unafraid of silence Practiced the “11th commandment” judiciously: Thou shalt not explain Just stated he was not going to answer the question or argue

21 Secret #6, Cont’d Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncExamples: If I asked you, you would not answer —Luke 22:67 I know where I came from and where I am going —John 8:14 Gave no answer —Luke 23:9 Did not open His mouth —Isaiah 53:7

22 Secret #7 Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncExhibited Congruence Words, voice tones, gestures, and actions matched—no hidden agenda—what you perceived you received Avoids sending mixed messages Reduces the potential for confusion since you don’t have to guess

23 Secret #7, Cont’d Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncExamples: Thirsty (asked for water) —John 19:28 Fearful (sweat blood) —Luke 22:44 Tired (went away to rest) —Mark 6:31 Angry (overturned tables) —Mark 11:16 Hungry (picked grain) —Mark 2:23 Lonesome (visited friends) —John 12:2-8   Sad (wept) —John 11:35 —Mark 14:37-42 

24 Personal Inventory Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncDoes your typical communication style exemplify these 7 secrets? Speak affirmingly? Use stories? Avoid foolish arguments? Ask questions? Minimize use of the word why? State desired actions simply?   Exhibit congruence?

25 You Are A Role Model Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations IncAs the old saying goes, you are always downstream from someone and upstream from someone else … You role model for someone all the time What type of communication are you role modeling?