1 PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE OR JUST PLAIN AGGRESSIVE?APPROACHES FOR MANAGING CONFLICT IN THE MINISTERIAL WORKPLACE Archdiocese of Louisville June 7, 2017
2 Carol Fowler [email protected] 312-320-9346 (Cell)Retired Director of Personnel Services Archdiocese of Chicago (Cell)
3 OUTLINE OF PRESENTATIONPASSIVE AGGRESSIVE CAUSES OF CONFLICT GENERAL STRATEGIES FOR REDUCING CONFLICT MANAGING CONFLICT IN THE CHURCH WORKPLACE COMMUNICATION SKILLS including reflective listening and negotiation
4 ASSUMPTIONS Conflict, disagreements and difficulties are normal and not to be feared. (Where two or three are gathered in my name…) Conflict is not in an of itself bad. It can lead to creativity and positive change.. I will assume in this talk that you have some management responsibilities and that you have experienced conflict in the Church workplace. We need to embrace a change in perspective on conflict. As a manager, you need to become a coach. Pergaps here in Louisville Arch you don’t need to discuss conflict as a pervasive issue, but In Chicago it is part of our reality. Could that be true here as well?
5 Assumptions continued:The conflicts can be between: Colleagues Staff and parishioners Subordinates Your boss You want to do something about it. In this hour, we are discussing conflicts in the ministerial and professional setting rather than family or close friends conflicts. A basic premise of conflict resolution is that both people want to resolve the conflict. One of your first tasks may be to help others come to the conclusion that there is conflict and that he or she wishes to resolve the conflict.
6 SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONShare with your small group an example of a conflict or resistance in your workplace without sharing any identifying facts. Have you tried to address this conflict? Have your attempts at resolution failed or been successful? What factors do you attribute to that success or lack of success?
7 WHAT IS PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR?(From Wikipedia) The indirect expression of hostility, e.g. Procrastination Hostile jokes Stubbornness Resentment, sullenness Deliberate and often repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is responsible And why is it so commonly used in Church settings?
8 (From DSM-IV B) A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitude and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations. A habitual pattern of passive resistance to expected work requirements in reaction to both authority figures and in interpersonal contexts There is sometimes a refusal to acknowledge one’s own aggression but rather he or she is blameless victim.
9 Passive aggressive behavior is not the same as non-violent resistance as seen by many social protesters. This person is not working toward a defined social goal
10 Passive aggressive behavior in the workplaceDamaging to team unity and effectiveness Destructive Rather than quit, the worker is destructive to the work environment If the manager is passive aggressive, the mission of the organization is often imperiled. AT this point, I prefer resisitance to passive aggressive
11 CAUSES OF CONFLICT IN THE CHURCH WORKPLACECommon Contributors to Conflict and Resistance: Communication and miscommunication Staff attitudes, supervisor’s attitudes, staff values Honesty/openness Work habits Treatment of others, e.g. disrespect Word choice, tone of voice, intonation, lack of directness all contribute to positive or negative communication Positive emotions indicate values are being met Assess your own role
12 Causes for conflict cont:Organizational Culture Organizational change such as new hire Assess the fallout Give people a voice Address concerns Allow whatever control is possible Bring in a professional Mismatched expetations (Scott ) Conflict occurs when org culture doesn’t fit with individual values and needs Help groups process change e.g. reorg change Clarify expectation be clear
13 Causes cont: Assigned and assumed rolesPastors and/or supervisors can cause conflict by micromanaging or abdicating decision making responsibility Appearing to take sides Dividing your team Overreacting Misunderstanding the real issues Looking the other way Being dismissive Role of pastor is complicatd When staff becomes unhappy with their roles conflict happen. Acknowledge where power really resides. Not always at the top. Dividing rather than uniting: Using divisive language, making concessions for one staff member. Dismissive includes telling someone it is in their imagination, or he is hypersensitive.
14 Pastors/supervisors cont:Creating ill-defined expectations and responsibilities Hiring right person for the wrong job Talking instead of listening Being judge and jury Rescuing instead of coaching Expectations: Using hazy terms to give what you consider clear instructions, assigning task to more than 1 person, setting expectations the person can’t meet. Role of pastors is complicated. Pastors need to be clear abut roles, yet these delineations are not always clearly defined in any given situation.
15 Values that are often at the heart of workplace conflictAcceptance Accomplishment Autonomy Competence Control Cooperation Recognition Respect (cf. Scott, pg. 29) Acceptance: Team players who want to belong; Accomplishment: Love when the job is done, they don’t give up, likes the finishing touches. Autonomy: Being accountable to self more than others, work at their own pace. Fully responsible even when part of a team, free from oversight Competence: Strong emphasis on knowledge, skills, training, quick to complain if someone is falling short on their responsibilities Control: Need to know all of the details risk getting bogged down in details. Cooperation: Love team work, feel responsible for everything that helps organization achieve its mission. Recognition: High value on receiving credit, need validation Respect: Treat others that doesn’t diminish anyone’s self worth.
16 Simple Strategy Acknowledge the other person is hurt Show empathyBe patient Stay cool Understand the issues Set a vision Explore alternatives/solutions Agree on action Ask for a meeting to get to understanding. Listen!~ What is the goal resolving the conflict? e.g. improve a relationship, accomplish a task, etc, How can we do this/ What is my role? Should we handle this differently in the future?
17 GENERAL STRATEGIES FOR RESOLVING RESISTANCEBehind resistance are feelings. You can’t talk people out of how they are feeling. Try to help people verbalize their resistance/objections directly. It rarely works to fight the resistance head on. Try to let the resistance dissipate the way a storm dissipates. Look for neutral language to name the resistance. Then you can get to the real issues instead of the unproductive behaviors. Seek to allow the other person to explain, i.e. teach you their issues/ their position. Best way to get a person to behave authentically is for you to behave authentically Letting the person talk about their concerns, assists in dissipating the storm.. All of these strategies need examples
18 General strategies cont.Suspend the “J” Respond rather than react Work on being flexible, resilient, nimble To manage the interaction, manage yourself. Keep your focus on the goal or preferred outcomes Be open to incremental progress Time-outs with purpose Parking lot Incremental progress: Build on the “yeses”. Celebrate the incremental successes Time outs: Especially helpful when negative emotions are escalating
19 General strategies cont:View challenging issues as dilemmas not impasses or problems Reframe Use observation skills to understand the other The power of “I” While silence can be helpful briefly, it isn’t helpful when used to hide the truth or the concerns Observation skills eg Myers Briggs, Emotional Intelligence, Strengths Finders, Enneagram to understand the person I statements: Speak for yourself not the other person or others affected by the conflict Silence: It is unfair to expect others to interpret one’s silence
20 General strategies cont:Set norms and expectations for the resistance resolution conversations that are good basic communication norms as well as norms attuned to our faith. Seek to understand. Don’t dismiss anyone Communio: Build a bridge, Cross the bridge, invite others to cross the bridge Norms: e.g.. honesty, transparency, prayer
21 General strategies cont:Vision: The “What if” question. Brainstorming possibilities Adopt peace keeping, peace-preserving, peace promoting language Vision: If 2 months from now or 1 year from now, things are better, what would have to happen?
22 STRATEGIES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICTS BETWEEN YOUR EMPLOYEESAssess the cost and scope of the conflict Empower staff to handle the conflict Develop a plan for mediation Prepare for a meeting Negotiate possible solutions to a conflict Give example of me and John S having very different goals for communication
23 Mediation meeting with two persons or a groupEstablish ground rules Active listening Your role Reflecting emotions Label issues Hone in on values Identify issues that cause resistance Negotiate possible solutions
24 SIGNS OF RESISTANCE When the resistance takes this form what can you say? One Word Answers Changing the Subject Compliance Silence Press for Solutions Attack Intransigence High Emotion/Intensity Small group exercise
25 STRATEGIES FOR HANDLING CONFLICT BETWEEN YOU AND SOMEONE ELSEFigure out your core values and ask the same of the other person Identify your hot buttons Are you a good listener Recognize your strengths Think about what the other person wants Is there common ground?
26 When the Conflict is with Someone you SuperviseCreate a dialogue Conflicts usually about: Communication Work habits Treatment Attitude Gossip Honesty In subordination Dialogue: Express regret that it has taken awhile to address the conflict directly, begin as not a formal process or one to go in the file, staff member can play a part in his or her own destiny,
27 Your Approach You are in this conflict with the staff member (It takes two to tango) Put yourself in her shoes and ask how you would want your boss to approach you Set a goal for discussion that helps both of you get back on track Be honest with yourself about your part in the conflict Commit to a new approach Apologize when necessary and appropriate Keep your power in check Scott pg
28 Your Approach with your SupervisorWhen is it a good idea to ask for a meeting? You are determined to stay with the organization One or both of you are new and got off to a bad start You are concerned about your reputation Respect and/or dignity have been violated Situation can’t be ignored Scott pp. 299
29 When shouldn’t you meet:Emotions are intense especially anger Relevant issues are not yet known The situation is in flux You are not ready to listen but only want to vent You are not prepared to give up being a “victim”.
30 Steps that Lead to EffectivenessAsk for a block of time that allows for in-depth conversation without distractions Have a specific goal for the meeting in mind Write down your goals and the facts as you know them before the meeting Be ready with at least 3 suggestions for decisions Apologize readily if you have erred Admit your limitations Graciously accept any apology
31 What Can You Control? Your responses Your perspective Your investmentYour role in the conflict Your expectations Your energy Reduce your investment in the drama
32 What Reasons Managers Give for Not Addressing ConflictI don’t know how I don’t want to open a can of worms I haven’t succeeded previously Problem? What Problem? I Don’t Know where to start. It’s not my business I have real work to do. I don’t want to have to fire anyone. I don’t want to look bad. Scott: pp
33 RESOURCES Garrido, Ann, Redeeming Conflict, Ave Maria Press, Notre Dame, IN 2016 Garrido, Ann, Redeeming Adminstration, Ave Maria Press, Notre Dame, IN 2013 Senior, Donald, The Gift of Administration, Liturgical Press, Collegeville, MN 2016 Lencioni, Patrick, Death by Meeting, John Wiley & Sons, 2004
34 RESOURCES Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies by Vivian ScottPerfect Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People by Susan Benjamin Perfect Phrases for Conflict Resolution by Lawrence Polsky and Antoine Gerschel Ralph Bonaccorsi, Director of the Office of Conciliation Services, Archdiocese of Chicago