1 Patricia Miles John FranzListening Louder: Establishing an Authentic Relational Stance in Wraparound’s Helping Partnerships Patricia Miles John Franz

2 Relational Stance Foundation of effectiveness for initiating helping partnerships Consciously established and thoughtfully maintained Describes how we present ourselves Reflects the way we see ourselves, our efforts, and the people with whom we interact If we don’t establish it consciously and maintain and adjust it reflectively, our stance becomes driven by our habits, fears and prejudices. Attitude about families Our conceptual models Our implicit models Attitude about the work What we are hoping to accomplish How we go about accomplishing it Why we do things this way Listen Louder

3 Today’s Workshop A chance to reflect on what we do when we do wraparound, why we do it, who we do it with, and who we are in this context Explore ways to improve our relational stance and become more consistent in how we maintain it throughout our daily interactions Listen Louder

4 Paying Attention to Our StanceEvery time we interact with someone we do so from some sort of a relational stance But how conscious are we of what that stance is? How much of that stance is intentional and authentic? How consistently is it maintained over time and from one person to another? William Madsen likes the relational stance of being an “Appreciative Ally.” It is one in which we “position ourselves in alliance with people and in which people experience us as being ‘in their corner’, or ‘on their side’” But that’s only one example Listen Louder

5 Working on Your Stance Stance is important in many different activities: Listen Louder

6 Boxing If the back foot is too far forward, it reduces mobility backwards and takes away power. If the back foot is too bar backwards it makes it easy to get pushed off balance, and mobility is w Listen Louder

7 Golf In other words there are a lot of things to think about when developing a proper stance in any activity. The point is that we start by doing these things awkwardly but gradually they become habits and we can link ourselves to them with a quick reminder. Listen Louder

8 Yoga Listen Louder

9 Sales Listen Louder

10 Helping Partnerships Listen Louder

11 Wraparound’s PartnershipsMost helping partnerships are dyadic or follow narrow channels: Teaching Therapy Health care Wraparound generates multiplex partnerships Centered on families But connecting many parties, purposes and protocols So our relational stance when initiating Wraparound requires special attention Listen Louder

12 Choosing Your Stance Each of us will have a slightly different stance based on our personalities, gifts and experience, and our sense of the partnership we are building In general, however, our relational stance should find a point of balance between: Stability and Flexibility Listening and Leading Telling and Hearing Helping and Challenging And should help us connect quickly with people from widely different perspectives We don’t want to lean in too much, or lean back too much If we lean too far forward we can chance people away or end up doing all the work ourselves. If we lean too far back we can end up losing clients who we then call resistant or giving up when we should be giving hope If we turn too far to one side or the other we have trouble forming a relationship But if we are to direct we can scare people away or be knocked off balance by the situation Without balance we can end up exhausting ourselves trying to keep up with each encounter. Listen Louder

13 Defining Your Stance William Madsen promotes a relational stance of being an “Appreciative Ally.” It is one in which we “position ourselves in alliance with people and in which people experience us as being ‘in their corner’, or ‘on their side’” But that’s only one example The upcoming exercises are designed to help you think more reflectively about your stance so that you can snap back to it for each encounter Some of you may have had Madsen’s book “Collaborative Helping” as a text in class or had him consult with your agency. I like this example because it captures kind of stance he is talking about clearly and succinctly. But other terms may help you define the stance you want to establish and maintain. Towards the end of this workshop I’ll share some ideas about what elements should go into the stance we maintain when we are using the Wraparound Approach, but first we will do some exercises to help you become more explicit about the stance you already have, regardless of the kind of work you do. Listen Louder

14 What Kind of Helping Partner Are You?In Wraparound our relational stance has three elements: Our understanding of both the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ of Wrap’s helping partnerships Our sense of ourselves and how we think people see us in the context of these partnerships How we present ourselves to the people we invite into partnership The following exercises are designed to help you clarify each of these dimensions of your relational stance Some of the dimensions of helping might be: directive – verses non directive, informational vs. nurturing, concrete vs. creative, etc. Listen Louder

15 What Kind of Partnership Do You Provide?Break up into groups of 2 or 3 Take a moment to introduce yourselves by briefly describing the type of helping partnerships you are involved in Then describe what it looks like when these partnerships are effective Finally identify one factor in the way these partnerships are developed that contributes to producing positive results and one factor that tends to impede positive results Lots of kinds of help, such as: Facilitation Case management Therapy Peer Support Education Mentoring Behavioral adjustment Supervision Management System agent (child welfare worker, probation officer, etc.) Listen Louder

16 How You Help Use a chart like the one below to record each group member’s examples of the helping partnerships they are in. Who You Partner With How Help Happens in the Partnership What Good Results Look Like What Contributes to Good Results What Impedes Good Results For this discussion we’re looking for contributing and impeding factors that flow from the way the work is done, rather than external factors that mess things up, or client characteristics and actions that make it hard to help them. Not that they aren’t important, just that for now we’re only looking at the work techniques themselves. The main thing here is to quickly get to know one another and get an idea of the kind of help each of you offers. So one way to fill in those three boxes would be: When I’m successful in offering help, this is what happens ………… I seem to get better results when I do this ………. Things don’t seem to go as well if I do this ………………. Listen Louder

17 Style and Stance To be authentic, our stance – the way we present ourselves to others – has to be aligned with our style – our basic personality The basic styles from the Meyers-Briggs and similar personality tests are: Introvert and Extrovert Sensing and Intuiting Thinking and Feeling Judging and Perceiving They don’t say who we are, and don’t take into account how different we can be in different situations But they do give us a way to think about the gifts we bring to helping partnerships and how to mold a stance based on those gifts Listen Louder

18 Exploring Our Sense of Ourselves as Helping PartnersNow that you’ve described the helping partnerships you offer, take a moment to describe yourselves as a member of these partnerships Using the examples from the next slide as a starting point, describe your particular style as a helping partner Given that style, what relational stance seems to be the most authentic and effective for you? Suggest a fictional or real-life person who exemplifies the stance you prefer Listen Louder

19 Helping Styles ARCHITECT DESIGNER COMMANDER INVESTIGATOR ADVOCATEStrategic thinker able to develop detailed plans of action DESIGNER Innovative inventor, always looking for new solutions COMMANDER Imaginative and bold leader always finding a way to make it work INVESTIGATOR Smart and curious, loves to sort out complex challenges ADVOCATE Thoughtful yet tireless in working to make things better MEDIATOR Eager to help a good cause, yet able to see both sides of an issue PROTAGONIST High energy leader able to engage and rally a group or team CAMPAIGNER Sociable and creative, can always find a hidden strength LOGISTICIAN Practical, organized, able to analyze and coordinate resources DEFENDER Dedicated and warm, always ready to take care of others EXECUTIVE Solid administrator, great at managing tough situations CONSUL Very social, eager to help and to make new connections FIXER Bold and practical, good at finding the right tool for the task ADVENTURER Flexible, eager and able to try something new ENTREPRENEUR Smart, energetic and perceptive, loves living on the edge ENTERTAINER Spontaneous and enthusiastic, brings positive energy I ran mine on 16 personalities and I came up as INFP-T, The Mediator This is a trait version rather than a type version [loh-ji-stish-uh n] Adapted from 16 Personalities by NERIS Analytics Listen Louder

20 Who Do You Partner With? In the first part of this exercise you told your group the basics of the kinds of the helping partnerships you participate in or initiate Now take a moment and think of one thing that you’ve learned about the nature of the needs of the people with whom you partner that has impacted how you carry out your role in this partnership How is this learning reflected in the relational stance you bring to each encounter? Listen Louder

21 Exploring PartnershipType of helping partnership Nature of partners’ needs Impact on carrying out your role What this taught you about your relational stance Listen Louder

22 Listening Louder Paying attention to:What we are saying and doing, and What the people we partner with are saying and doing And then reflecting thoughtfully on the dynamics of our actions in building helping partnerships Do we project a sense of appreciative acceptance? Are we connecting well enough to invite others to join in an action-oriented partnership? Are we making room for people to tell us their story? Listening louder is my term for paying more attention not only to what the people we help are saying and doing but also to what we are saying doing while we are helping them. In other words, being a reflective practitioner It means honing our ability to be attentive and thoughtful both in the midst of our helping encounters and also afterwards as we review and consider what has happened in each encounter and decide what if anything we will try doing differently the next time. These are hard skills to acquire and use. We are busy most of the time, so there is a tendency to rush from one encounter to the next and rely on instinct to get us through. Also we are in the midst of a highly reductionist and positivistic moment in human services where activities and behavior by helpers are highly defined and managed by checklists that leave little room for reflection. Listen Louder

23 Key Points in Setting the Stage for Effective PartnershipsQuestions to Consider Things to Remember Are there personal experiences that have caused you to respond the way you have to a particular person’s perspective? Even if it’s hard for you to maintain an appreciative stance, what might you do to communicate that you are open to the position being communicated? How could you let the person know you “get” their position and how they came to it? What resources can you think of to help you manage your relational stance, even when you’re challenged? Starting with a stance of appreciation and acceptance is the foundation of Wraparound Observe and manage your personal biases as they come up Be prepared to continue to work on your own approach to forming partnerships Why it is important to have a relational stance of acceptance and appreciation? Because it’s our job to deal with things as they are, not as we wish they would be. Newly hired Wraparound staff should consider their own relationship to the work, to the families being supported and to the overall community. This starts by considering your personal experiences and how they may impact you. Starting with that self recognition the next questions asks you to consider pushing past your bias in order to maintain a stance of open acceptance. This is more than simply telling a family that you get it. It also requires that you monitor your own internal experience of the family. Finally, as you begin the work of Wraparound, what resources can you use to keep yourself on track with your own stance of acceptance? Whatever your internal response, as a Wraparound staff you will do well to remember that effective Wraparound starts with your own ability to manage your personal response. Communicating a stance of acceptance is the foundation of all Wraparound. That stance may begin with Wraparound staff but is expected to extend to all other team members. Recognizing that you’re human even if you are employed in Wraparound requires that you will be continually called upon to manage your personal biases and responses as you work through and with the Wraparound approach. Listen Louder

24 Monitoring Your StanceHere are three ways to keep track of your stance and make sure you are in balance: Your voice Your stomach Your arms and hands What are some other cues you’ve learned for keeping track of how you are interacting in building or participating in a helping partnership? When we become defensive our voice moves forward and gets higher, when we are more relaxed it comes more from the back of our throat and our chest. Our stomach tightening will often be the first clue that we are having trouble staying in sync with another person or a family group. Sometimes our arms are like semaphores sending non-verbal messages of openness or fear. This is related to non-verbal communication, but here the point is to find physical feedback mechanisms to monitor how you are responding in a situation. The non-verbal communication channels usually include: Facial expressions Gestures Parlinquistics Body language and posture Proxemics Eye gaze Haptics Appearance Artifacts Listen Louder

25 Activity: Maintaining an Appreciative Stance Arrange these situations from most challenging to you personally to least challenging A mother says that she doesn’t want her child to attend college but to get a job instead. The young person says they want to go to college because their dad says it’s the right thing to do. The father lives far away. A 17-year-old youth says they are just going to wait to get through the Wraparound process until they’re 18 and can do what they want. They refuse to speak during team meetings. A father keeps his teen-aged son’s life highly structured and refuses to get him involved in community activities. The father believes that letting his son participate in those activities would be rewarding bad behavior. An older brother says that he thinks that the family would be better off if his younger sibling living with behavioral health challenges were placed out of the home in a residential treatment program. He says, “Everyone would be happier anyway without HIM around.” A grandfather says that he knows that you’re going to talk about his granddaughter’s “issues” but as far as he’s concerned those issues can be straightened out with a heavy hand. Adoptive parents say that they aren’t sure they can continue with the adoption and are thinking about relinquishing their custody. There are no right or wrong answers to this exercise. The point is to see what your particular hot buttons might be. Each of us differs in the things that are harder and easier for us to accept in others. Some of that is based on our own life experiences. In your group discuss why one of the situations might be more or less challenging to one of you than to the others. Listen Louder

26 Elements of the Wraparound StanceWelcoming Share information about the process and the partnership Gather information about strengths and needs of the family Reassuring Host a conversation that communicates interest and openness Attend to biggest concerns of the family and other team members Accepting Notice, remark on and seek out strengths and opportunities Communicate enthusiastic curiosity Partnering Find a friendly connection Seek out something relatable in each family and team member As we listen louder, we continually reflect on what we’re doing and saying and how families are reacting to insure that we convey a presence that is welcoming, reassuring, accepting and connecting with families and family members, so that we build a solid foundation as we move to action together. Listen Louder

27 Activity Discuss whether each of the following vignettes is an example of the Welcoming, Reassuring, Accepting, or Partnering element of the Wraparound Stance. Listen Louder

28 Vignette 1 During initial conversations with a parent, they say that they’re not sure that Wraparound will work for their family. They don’t think they would be able to sit at the table with their ex, the child’s other parent. You indicate that much of Wraparound is about managing different perspectives and that you have ideas about how to keep that working. (Answer: Reassuring: You are reassuring this parent that there are no easy answers but are communicating your openness and competence. ) Listen Louder

29 Vignette 2 You are getting to know the family by having an initial conversation. You notice a banjo in a holder in the front room and ask the parent if they play. They say “no”. You then ask what the story is on the banjo and they tell you that their grandmother used to play and actually performed at the Grand Ole Opry. You tell them that you’ve never met anyone with a family member who performed there and ask them to tell you a little about that family member. (Answer: Welcoming: Communicating excitement is about creating a warm welcome. This occurs when you let people know that you are interested in their story, their family heritage and that you recognize that they are unique. Treating people like individuals is the first step in creating the ability the individualize care.) Listen Louder

30 Vignette 3 During your first conversation with the family, the parent and youth indicate that they’re tried everything and don’t really think this will work either. They tell you they’re getting tired of all of these system ideas that don’t seem to work. You use that opportunity to ask them about who in their family or of their friends would make those system responses different. You then develop a plan about how to get those people to your first team meeting. Answer: Partnering: rather than trying to convince the family that Wraparound will be different, you use the family’s network to make Wraparound different. This is the first step in moving Wraparound from something the family gets to something the family does.) Listen Louder

31 Vignette 4 During your initial meetings with the family, the child’s parents tells you that they are not sure they can go on. They are wondering if they should perhaps make a move to have their child placed in residential care. You indicate that this is not unusual and ask the parents, “what do you hope that going into residential would do to help your child?” (Answer: Accepting. You are using your ability to hear the parents’ position even if it doesn’t align with how you think Wraparound should go. By asking this question you open yourself up to the hidden strengths and needs in this position. ) Listen Louder

32 Steps in Building A Wraparound Relational StanceMust Have Ability to see all family and team members as people and consider them as doing the best they can Should Have Ability to consider each family and team member’s motivation from a positive perspective in developing understanding Good to Have Ability to develop a sense of appreciation for each family and team member and their point of view Best to Have Ability to communicate a sense of appreciation and acceptance in all interactions with and about the family Listen Louder

33 Improving Wrap’s ImpactAt the Hello Stage Stance creates the initial effect Do families and invited team members feel like partners? In the Helping Stage Your stance shapes the group’s flavor Why are we here, what are we doing, how does this work? During the Healing Stage Stance maintains the group’s energy Plan A might not have worked, but look what we learned As the Hope Stage unfolds Stance creates the bridge to tomorrow How many new Hellos has Hope enabled? Listen Louder

34 Sustaining Your StanceWe’re not robots nor are we tragic heroes We do have to show up every day and do the best we can with maximum effect and minimum drama Defining a few key elements of our relational stance provides us with the cues we need to re-center as we step into a new encounter Whether your style is to think too much before starting – or to not think enough … Think of a mental reminder that can bring you back to the way you want to be Listen Louder

35 Reflection What fictional or real character reminds you of the relational stance you want to maintain when doing Wraparound? What cues help you remember how to establish and hold that stance? What cues tell you when you are starting to move off balance? Listen Louder