1 Restorative ParentingA Program to Help Professionals and Parents Heal Challenging Children By Marie Sherwood, MSc

2 Soft Eyes, Soft Heart Our children are very sensitive to harsh eyesOur children shut down when we use harsh eyes Soft eyes open a child’s heart Our thoughts are reflected in our faces

3 Being Attuned When we are able to be attuned with a child’s level of arousal we can deal with a situation early on; preventing it escalating too far. (green, blue, red) Signs of dyregulation: excessive silly, quiet, talkative, playful, aggressive or active (any behavior that you might deem as not congruent with the situation; what are some other ways?

4 Being Attuned If possible have the child co-regulate with you by taking your hands, looking in your eyes and asking them what they need. This lets the child know that they are important, you have noticed they have a need and you are prepared to met that need. Give them your 100% attention!

5 Trauma Triggers There are certain things that will trigger children.Some children hate transitions, some get upset when any demand is being asked of them. Know what bothers your child and be prepared before you go into a situation; do not be surprised. This will show that you are not in control of the situation and dyregulate the child even more.

6 Trauma Triggers Knowing a child’s trauma triggers links in with being attuned to them. You must be very sensitive to what they are feeling and look to see what is bothering them. When you first start trying to figure out their trauma triggers you need to be a type of detective.

7 Stay with the Feeling; do not Provide KnowledgeWhen your child is dyregulated, you need to stay with the feeling and not offer a lot of solutions. They are deep in the emotional centers of their brain, going cognitive will not help them! Ex. I see that when Kevin called you a name it really upset you. This is also when you could co-regulate with them by taking their hands and asking for their eyes.

8 Stay with the Feeling; do not Provide KnowledgeIf you have an Oppositional Defiant Disordered child any form of instruction without empathy can result in a full blown rage. If you provide them with your full attention and offer empathy that usually helps them make sense of their feelings and can calm them down.

9 Stay with the Feeling; do not Provide KnowledgeSpeak low and slow when your child is dysregulated (stressed out.) Give them your full attention! Be attuned to what they need!

10 The Four Levels of Re-directionIDEAL is an acrostic that stands for: I – Immediate D – Direct E – Efficient A – Action-based L – Leveled at the behavior (not at the child) Embedded in this simple approach to responding to misbehavior is the principle of balancing structure and nurture. When it is applied consistently this approach will yield more connection, greater contentment and the desired change in behavior, as compared to approaches that tend toward the extremes we mentioned earlier. Even when re-directing remember to try to stay connected with soft eyes.

11 Pre-level 1 When you notice that your child is starting to deregulate, but has not misbehaved then you can do the 6Rs: rythmic, repetitious, relational, rewarding, relevant and respectful. Eg. walking, rocking, coloring, tennis, petting an animal, brushing an animal.

12 The Four Levels of Re-directionLevel I: Verbal Your tone is still playful. If he or she gives you a command, then you state something like, "are you asking or telling." He or she needs to ask for things. You can ask him to "can you try that again with respect?"

13 The Four Levels of Re-directionLevel II: PLACE Model As long as he or she is still emotionally present you can do this. Provide him with two choices. "Would you like to go to the table for lunch all by yourself or do you need time to think about it by sitting on the couch? OR It is not OK to yell at me; USE words I understand.

14 The Four Levels of Re-directionLevel II: PLACE Model Playful Loving Accepting Curious Empathetic Dr. Danial Hughes: Attachment-Focused Parenting

15 The Four Levels of Re-directionLevel II: Directed Re-direction: Two Choices This is the level where you can try to offer two options; both of them must work for you. Get creative in your options in order to encourage the child to make the better decision.

16 The Four Levels of Re-directionLevel III: Calming Re-direction (Time In) “Think about what happened and let me know when you are ready.” Some children do not understand restitution, therefore it is a good idea to get them to redo what went wrong. You can go back to the location and redo it correctly. This will provide the practice so that he or she makes a good choice the next time.

17 The Four Levels of Re-directionLevel IV: Protective Re-direction If there is a chance that he or she can get violent then you will have to have a plan to keep everyone safe. Discuss this plan with your team.

18 What now? Always get the child to go and redo what started the agitation once they have calmed down. Go back down from level 4 to level 1

19 Miss Marie-isms Thank you for sharing that with me.Wow, that is quite a problem. What are you going to do about that? Let me know if you need help. Would you like to go to your room to think that over or can we work this out together now? Let me know when you are ready to talk, but we cannot talk when you are this upset.

20 ANTs Automatic Negative ThoughtsEvery time you have a thought, your brain releases chemicals. Every time you have a mad thought, an unkind thought, a sad thought, your brain releases negative chemicals Every time you have a positive thought, your brain releases positive chemicals.

21 ANTs We can stop ANTs. Please come to my table to discuss the ANT program.

22 Seven Different Types of ADD1. Classic 2. Inattentive 3. Overfocused 4. Temporal Lobe 5. Limbic 6. Ring of Fire 7. Anxious We can test and design a program to heal the brain.

23 Rules that our Children NeedA child may not dominate the family through tantrums, aggression, back talk, whining or any other tactic. Parents, educational staff, and caregivers are kind, fair and consistent; they stay calm and in control. They administer structure and limits, but they also provide a great deal of nurturing, praise and affection. A child is encouraged to use words to express his or her needs directly and respectfully. Parents, educational staff, and caregivers honor a child’s boundaries and respectfully listen to his or her needs and requests. They never shame or ridicule a child’s perspective.

24 Rules that our Children NeedParents, educational staff, and caregivers meet all reasonable needs and requests. They say, “Yes,” whenever they can. Occasionally they allow a compromise, and at times they say, “No,” and deny requests. Parents, educational staff, and caregivers respond to misbehavior immediately. They redirect the child to better choices, let him or her practice getting it right and then praise their child for improvement. Once the conflict is resolved, they return to playful and warm interactions with the child. Reference: Dr. Karyn Purvis Texas Christian University

25 Somatosensory Exercises that Calm your Child. These activities should include movements that are REPETITIVE, RELATIONAL, PHYTHMIC, RELEVANT, REWARDING AND RESPECTFUL. Each activity should last as least 10 minutes.

26 Somatosensory Exercises that Calm your ChildHere is a list of ideas: Go for a walk together while discussing a light subject Make up a tune using Boomwhackers Skipping Ropes Ping Pong Badmington Dancing with Scarves to music Playing catch with Frisbees, balls, beanbags, footballs, etc. Skipping, galloping, hopping, jumping, etc. Dribble a basketball or soccer ball together as a family Child brushes mom’s hair gently while in conversation. Parent gives child a deep pressure massage. Play tag or various forms of tag (crab tag.) Climbing Wall

27 Somatosensory Exercises that Calm your ChildDrumming Mini-tramp while singing together (no more then 60 jumps) Heart Math(biofeedback activity) Funny Face Contest Cat’s cradle (with string) Hand clapping games Repetitive clapping patterns 50 Fitness Activities (see Appendix) Mirror Game (Parent Led) Creative Cultural Dance Action Songs as a class or family Balance boards (Snail Maze board or others) Brain Gym Activities West African Hand Tennis: link ping pong using your hand as a paddle and a volleyball on a picnic table.

28 Circle of Support Everyone in the circle is an important part.All being on the same page is vitally important. A child needs a minimum of four strong adults in order to heal. Staying in contact with one another is vitally important.

29 Cleaning out Secrets in the 5 AreasThere are five areas where children can have secrets: 1. Lies they have told 2. Things they have stolen 3. Things they have broken 4. People or animals they have hurt 5. Sex Things

30 Cleaning out Secrets in the 5 AreasChildren who have secrets will be filled with tension. They will feel so much better once they clean these out.

31 Satisfying their Need for ChaosSome children have a need for chaos. If we do not provide a controlled environment to satisfy this need, then they will provide it in unhealthy ways. The more times we provide them with 6Rs activities the better. They need to be scheduled in regular intervals during the day.

32 Safety One of the biggest things that our children need is to feel safe. They feel safe with strong leadership. Educational staff, mental health professionals and parents who can handle all their stuff without dysregulating tell our children that they can heal.

33 Safety Do not back down once you have asked a child to do something.BUT Do back out of a consequence that is obviously not working: re-assess. “being the wonderful mother that I am I will help you..”

34 Safety Everyone on the team needs to know what area that the child is stuck on and provide them with as much as they need to make a good decision. Refer to the Four Levels of Re-direction.

35 When Nothing Works Do you feel like nothing is going to work?-Resting Heart Rate over 100 bpm: come and check at my table. -Heart Coherence. -Different parts of the brain too high or too low -

36 Different parts of the brain too high or too lowTemporal Lobe Issues: anxiety, depression, aggression, moodiness, dark thoughts, trouble finding words, poor reading, poor social skills, rhythm problems, processing issues Cerebellum Issues: motor control, slowed thinking, slowed speech, impulsivity, poor conditioned learning

37 Different parts of the brain too high or too lowParietal Lobe Issues: gets lost easily, poor map reading, oversensitive, poor spatial processing, poor tracking, poor visual guidance, right and left confusion, calculation and writing problems, reading, denial Anterior Cingulate Gyrus: gets stuck, worries, rigid, argumentative, oppositional, addictions, obsessions, compulsions

38 Child Screening Master QuestionnairePlease visit me at my table if you see any of the previous as concerns.