1 The Moral Climate of Schools: Educating for CharacterFor titles and subtitles each word capitalized except articles and prepositions and conjunctions for four or fewer letters. Title and subtitle text appears black on clear/white backgrounds. Patrick F. Bassett, NAIS President

2 The Intentional Culture of Great SchoolsValues-laden cultures. Whose Values? What are the five most commonly cited in research and across all religions and cultures? Compassion (empathy) Honesty (integrity) 3. Fairness (equity & justice) Responsibility (self-discipline & reliability) Respect (civility, honoring expectations, cross-cultural competency/cosmopolitanism)

3 The Moral Climate of SchoolsThe Challenges We Face Teaching Ethics vs. Practicing Virtue The Power of Story-telling Schools of Hope (Douglas Heath)

4 The Challenges We Face Overhead in the Hallways & NAIS Moral Life of Schools Survey Results: Student Responses 3rd grader: “I’m not altogether certain what immorality means, but I think it means…….. ….‘living in the suburbs.’” 9th grader: "I haven't been here long enough….. to tackle a moral question. Sorry." 9th grader: "Whether or not to cheat. I've decided not to. ….Not much, anyway."

5 I beat him up after school."The Challenges We Face Overhead in the Hallways & NAIS Moral Life of Schools Survey Results: Student Responses • 6th grader: "The whole class had the opportunity to cheat, but no one did….. It was an easy test." 7th grader: "I found $20 on the library table and turned it in. I should have kept it. The kid was a jerk and was ungrateful….. I beat him up after school."

6 this is a great school, and we have everything here.” The Challenges We Face • 10th grader tour guide response (Episcopal-related school) to Jewish parent’s query about whether or not there was any anti-Semitism at the school: “Why yes… this is a great school, and we have everything here.” Teacher of the Year, after being challenged for physically punishing two boys who had published unflattering remarks about her in newly troweled sidewalk: “Well I loved them in the abstract… but not the concrete.” 9th Grader, when asked why he would not steal a book from the library where no adults supervise…. “Because I would be killed.”

7 The Challenges: What Research Tells Us41% of college-bound agreed with the statement, “A person has to lie or cheat sometimes in order to succeed.” (Josephson Institute of Ethics survey, October 2002) 80% of National Honor Society students admit to cheating, yet self-confessed cheaters affirm their personal righteousness and trustworthiness (Who’s Who in American High Schools Survey, ’98; Josephson Report, cited in Ed Week, 01/05/05 and again in 2009). Growing disrespect for teachers and other authority figures:

8 The Challenges: What Research Tells UsPeer cruelty on the rise. (Michael Thompson et. al.) Obsession with “self-esteem” distorts school reactions to immoral behavior: e.g., the public school that caught a boy stealing from his peers’ knapsacks, but reported it “uncooperative behavior” to avoid shaming the student (“Moral Mandate,” Edmund Damon, Education Next, Spring 2005). Independent School Grads Outperform Grads from all other Types of Schools, in every Arena, including use of Alcohol & Drugs. “The Deal.” (NELS Report). Moral decision-making driven by context. “Good Samaritan” Experiment Context for Cheating

9 Clashing Cultures: Why Good Schools are Countercultural“Children spend 20% of their waking lives in school, but exposure to the other 80% works often at cross-purposes.” ~Rob Evans “What is unusual about our times is that the American culture projected in the popular media and popular imagination has become so distorted and grotesque – so reflective of only the more sordid aspects of our collective values and aspirations – that counterculture is something we long for. Indeed, when it comes to education, the best schools…are now, ironically, countercultural.” ~Patrick F. Bassett, Education Week 2/6/02 What independent school values are now “counter” to the general culture and popular media?

10 Schools as Countercultural?Values of the Popular Culture vs. Independent School Values: Rationalizing of dishonesty Enforcing honor codes (excusing lying and cheating: vs (no lying, cheating, stealing) Bernie Madoff’s excuse: “fear of failure”; Bill Clinton’s: “Because I could.”) Lionizing the individual Proselytizing community (star-worship; limitless greed; Michael Jackson (team-play; service) as “The King of Pop”) Indulging sexual profligacy Expecting abstinence (Pres. Clinton, Gov. Sanford, Elliot Spitzer, et. al.) (limits on “pda”) Excusing hostility & violence Eschewing violence (“rights” issues; Serena Williams, etc.) (conflict resolution training) Enduring vulgarity & profanity Insisting on civility (crude language, coarse behaviors, improper dress) (confronting boorish behaviors and enforcing dress codes – for students and adults)

11 Schools as Countercultural?Values of the Popular Culture vs. Independent School Values: Winning at all costs Fair Play (hazing of opponents, cheating for advantage) (sportsmanship credo; no cut policies) Conspicuous Consumption Environmental Stewardship (clothes & cars) (modeling good citizenship) Cultural Tribalism (Uniqueness) School as Community (asserting one’s differences) (Latin root, communitas: finding what is common to many, shared by many) Parental Definitions of Success School Definitions of Success (getting ahead) (contributing to the common good)

12 Why Good Schools are CounterculturalSource: John Watson, TABS Conference 12/07/02 Why Good Schools are Countercultural What do morally healthy schools share? Exceptional teachers Effective and appropriate moral climate The latter tends to attract the former The former tends to reinforce the latter An internal moral climate that is most often in opposition to the dominant popular culture Heads and board chairs who identify “school climate” as one of the top task of school heads.

13 The pervasiveness of popular culture Adapted from: John Watson, TABS Conference 12/07/02 The pervasiveness of popular culture Our inability to insulate ourselves from popular culture Seductiveness of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll in kid culture. What We Can’t Change

14 Adapted from: John Watson, TABS Conference 12/07/02What We Can Change Lack of clarity about school community values: Will we tolerate hazing on sports teams? Coaches and parents screaming at players or refs? Lack of will to assert school community values: Will we suspend or expel students for immoral behaviors on OR off campus? Will we “fire” parents who are abusive to our staff? Lack of willingness to explore the rent fabric: Will we survey and address students honesty and substance use and sexual promiscuity? Will we draw a “mission map” of the school (to find out where we fall short)? Lack of Communication about Values as the Value Proposition: Will we commit to core values? Will we teach empathy and compassion and the other EQ skills related to ethical behavior? Demonstrate the value of values?

15 The Moral Climate of SchoolsThe Challenges We Face Teaching Ethics vs. Practicing Virtue The Power of Story-telling Schools of Hope (Douglas Heath)

16 Teaching Ethics vs. Practicing VirtueTeaching Ethics: Asking students to make ethical judgment, in the abstract, about issues of which they are often uninformed: abortion, euthanasia, capital punishment, DNA engineering, stem cell research, etc.: How is this counter-productive? … … by reinforcing value relativism rather than grounding students in an ethical base. Teaching Macbeth: "sound and fury" monologue ("Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player/That struts and frets his hour upon the stage..) and only examining vocabulary, metaphor, meter: Teachers fearful of values never touch the underlying theme: Does life have meaning, or is it “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing”? Should we ask, like Hamlet, “Doth conscience make cowards of us all?” The best schools re-enact, role-play, and probe ethical decisions in the teaching of literature, history, science, foreign language/culture, etc.

17 Right vs. Wrong The “easy” moral decisions kids and adults face are “right vs. wrong,” “black vs. white” decisions For less clear-cut dilemmas, a useful rubric for school leaders is “The 4-way Test” (Source: see Institute for Global Ethics website, The Legal Test The Gut-feeling Test The Front-page Test The Role-Model Test What are examples of “gray-zone” offenses? How would we handle them in our schools? Faculty arrested and convicted for DUI? Head who gets drunk at school auction? “Jurisdictional” issues when students behave after school, off-campus: e.g., chat room slander; playground shunning; “sexting” distribution of compromising pictures?

18 Teaching Ethics vs. Practicing VirtueChildren have never been good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. ~James Baldwin Kids learn to be ethical by observing how adults negotiate ethical dilemmas Kids are the “hypocrisy police”: Why do we hold students to a higher standard than we hold the adults in our community? School standards for faculty who prevaricate? For coaches who verbally abuse referees? Faculty who plagiarize or misrepresent their academic credentials? What are the school community standards for drug and alcohol abuse among the adults?

19 Right vs. Right The deepest ethical dilemmas are “right vs. right” decisions (Source: see Institute for Global Ethics website, individual vs. community: e.g., separate the disruptive child who needs socialization skills from his cooperative learning team that is being held back and exasperated by him? Expel on first offense? truth vs. loyalty: hold a confidence of a self-destructive behavior or report it? “Narc” on a friend to support the honor code? short-term vs. long-term: The Palace Thief / Emperor’s Club example of making an exception in the short-term (re-grading a paper for a student you think you can “re-direct”) in the hope of long term salvation? justice vs. mercy: after putting in a “zero tolerance policy” and suspending the two boys for fighting in the schoolyard, finding out a third boy was involved, because of persistent taunting and bullying, who begs not to be suspended since he says his family will be shamed and he beaten.

20 Right vs. Right Adults don’t do a good enough job is raising to the conscious and articulated level how they reach their ethical decisions. Note on “fairness” (or “justice”): For kids, “fairness” means everyone gets the same punishment for the same crime—often not that simple for adults. Fairness experiment: $10 to pairs of “proposers” and “responders”: what’s the limit of a “fair split?” What are the core values that dictate the ultimate right vs. right decision? Which values apply? Answer: “It depends.”

21 Right vs. Right Beyond a religious or honor code foundation (if any), schools may wish to articulate to their students the humanist foundation, rooted in classical philosophy (the Institute for Global Ethics “three ethical systems test”): Rules-based test (PFB note: rooted in Immanuel Kant’s “categorical imperative”: “Do that which you would want to see universalized” or “The Golden Rule”) Ends-based test (PFB note: rooted in John Stuart Mills’ utilitarianism, “Do that causes the greatest general good”) Care-based test (PFB note: rooted in Carol Gilligan’s caring ethic: “Do that which a caring person would do.”)

22 Right vs. Right It’s the job of school leaders to explain to kids the right vs. right dilemmas we face ourselves: Role Play: What should the head of school say at the town meeting after an expulsion when one student was expelled but another not?: “I struggled with this decision, because one of our principles at this school, ‘caring,’ urged us to keep John here, but our other principle, ‘play by the rules,’ dictated otherwise, for the good of the school and its ability to attract and keep good citizens. While some of you will think that it’s not ‘fair’ to expel John but keep Mary in the community, we saw a difference in the level of involvement in the offense, and had to make the kind of excruciating distinction that some may think is inconsistent, but that others will know is right, given the circumstances.”

23 The Moral Climate of SchoolsThe Challenges We Face Teaching Ethics vs. Practicing Virtue The Power of Story-telling Schools of Hope (Douglas Heath)

24 The Importance of StoryGreek & Arabic & Judeo-Christian & Native-American & African (etc.) development of story-telling (parables) form the oral tradition of the culture: (Iliad/Odyssey, Aesop’s Fables, Tales of the Arabian Nights, Native-American creation stories; etc.). All leaders tell stories. The Power of Fairy Tales: The Uses of Enchantment, Bruno Bettelheim: the Brothers Grimm originals vs. sanitized versions of fairy tales (e.g., The Three Little Pigs; Little Red Riding Hood) The Centrality of the Hero Myth in American Culture: Davy Crockett, Paul Bunyan, George Washington (and their fictional “resurrection” in Nancy Drew, Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter, et. al.). Often messianic implications: Avatar.

25 The Importance of StoryThe Absence of Communitarian stories in American Culture: individualism legacy of the Thoreau impulse (popularized in our film, music, literature). What are the countervailing stories?: Menorah story; the shaved head story. The importance of context: Piaget’s Volume of Water: the Naughty Puppet Version; Putting the Good Samaritan story to the test. What are your school’s five most powerful stories? Are there one or two that you tell every year, so people would come to miss it if you didn’t tell it? Your version of “The Taser Gun Story”?

26 The Moral Climate of SchoolsThe Challenges We Face Teaching Ethics vs. Practicing Virtue The Power of Story-telling Schools of Hope (Douglas Heath)

27 Schools of Hope: Douglas HeathPredictors of Adult Success: (Longitudinal Studies of Independent School Grads) Highest verbal SATs correlate with adults 30 years later with... less well-integrated personalities. lower self-esteem. less self-knowledge. distant and conflictual professional relationships. less successful marriage relations. Is the goal to produce more Harvard-educated “Unabombers”? Portrayal of Mark Zuckerberg in in Social Network? Co-curricular involvement correlates with … more success in school (better grades, better morale, better ethical decisions, less involvement with drugs and alcohol) adult effectiveness (extracurriculars = the most valid predictor) Douglas Heath’s Lives of Hope: psychological maturity, androgyny, and virtue correlate with success in life.

28 The Good News: The Millennials in our Schools NowThe Theory of Generations: Repeating the pattern by the fourth generation. The Millennials as a reprise of the GI Generation. An Upturn: The numbers of teenagers who say they would act unethically to get ahead if there were no chance of getting caught: 22 percent, down from 33 percent in 2003; those who believe that "people who practice good business ethics are more successful in business than those who don't" climbed to 69 percent this year, up from 56 percent. ~Survey by JA Worldwide (Junior Achievement) and Deloitte & Touche USA The online survey of 777 teens aged 13 through 18 was conducted by Harris Interactive® in July 2005.

29 Schools of Hope: Moral AgencyDeveloping the Partnership on Character Development Exercise for Board, Faculty, Parents Meetings Name an important value at your school…. How do you know this value is present? What and who supports the value? Name another value, one that needs more attention… What tells you that this value is not present enough? What or who gets in the way of this value? Who needs to bring about change?

30 The Moral Climate of SchoolsWhich Values? Complete the sentence: “I want my child to be….”

31 Schools of Hope Sociologist Anthony Campolo’s “test”:In Japan, mothers say, “I want my child to be…. …successful” (and youth culture pays a high price) In America, mothers say, “I want my child to be… ….happy” (and youth culture pays a high price) Right answer? “I want my child to be… … good” (if morally good, then higher likelihood of also being successful and happy). See also Independent School — Spring 2011 Online Feature, “Common Goodness” by Jill Donovan

32 For More Resources on this Topic, Go to www.nais.orgMark Twain: "To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler -and less trouble." The End! For More Resources on this Topic, Go to For titles and subtitles each word capitalized except articles and prepositions and conjunctions for four or fewer letters. Title and subtitle text appears black on clear/white backgrounds.

33 National Association of Independent Schools (www.nais.org) Resources National Association of Independent Schools (www.nais.org) Council for Spirituality & Ethics Education (CSEE: Character Education Foundation, Thomas Likona (SUNY): Good & Smart Schools Project

34 Resources Center for the Advancement of Ethics and Character at Boston University, Institute for Global Ethics: Parenting/Ethics Books: The Blessings of the Skinned Knee (Wendy Mogel); Giving Good Gifts (George E. Conway); Creating the Ethical School (Bongsoon Zubay & Jonas F. Soltis) The Social Norms Approach To Preventing School and College Age Substance Abuse, H. Wesley Perkins (NIU and the ISSL Experiment)

35 Exemplary School ProgramsWorld Religions/Literature St. Francis High School (KY): Developing cross-cultural understanding by reading the original holy texts Media Literacy (Columbus School for Girls (OH): Forming partnerships to address media violence & stereotyping Character Curriculum: Canterbury School (IN): Chapel, Honor Code, Advisory, Recognition, Athletics/Arts, Community Service, Together Talk, Expectations, Religion

36 Exemplary School ProgramsConflict Resolution Friends School (MN) Honor Code Woodberry Forest School (VA) Multicultural Curriculum (Univ. of Chicago Lab Schools) (IL) Partnering with Parents (St. Katherine's-St. Mark’s School (IA), Blake School (MN): Parents covenant.

37 Appendix of Related Slides

38 Shared Values: IGE/Gallup College Student Survey (March 2000)Source: Institute for Global Ethics Shared Values: IGE/Gallup College Student Survey (March 2000) Honesty Respect Responsibility Equality Fairness Compassion

39 Shared Values: Chile Solidaridad Responsabilidad Libertad ToleranciaSource: Institute for Global Ethics Shared Values: Chile Solidaridad Responsabilidad Libertad Tolerancia Verdad/Honesticia Justicia

40 Responsibility Fairness Respect Truth Shared Values: ChinaSource: Institute for Global Ethics Shared Values: China Responsibility Fairness Respect Truth

41 Shared Values: GuatemalaSource: Institute for Global Ethics Shared Values: Guatemala Honestidad (Honesty) Responsabilidad (Responsibility) Lealtad (Loyalty) Humildad (Humility) Justicia (Justice) Respecto (Respect) Sabiduria (Wisdom)

42 Shared Values: BangladeshSource: Institute for Global Ethics Shared Values: Bangladesh Truth Responsibility Respect Fairness Freedom

43 Camden Hills Regional High School (ME)Source: Institute for Global Ethics Camden Hills Regional High School (ME) Respect Responsibility Integrity Honesty Loyalty

44 Shared Values: Japan ReturnSource: Institute for Global Ethics Shared Values: Japan Return

45 Building Boys, Making Men The Seven Virtues of ManhoodThe True Friend The Humble Hero The Servant Leader The Moral Mediator The Heart Patient The Bold Adventurer The Noble Knight (Presbyterian Day School, Memphis) PFB Note: Most important virtue: moral courage (vs. physical courage: cf. Rush Kidder & Gus Lee).

46 Life’s Real Tests: “Paper tests are poor proxies for the tests of lifeLife’s Real Tests: “Paper tests are poor proxies for the tests of life.” ~PFB tweet Answer “Yes or No” Under pressure, do you do the right thing? Is your default attitude positive in your places and spaces (the workplace, the home, and the community)? Do you see failures as growth opportunities? When you witness bad behavior do you assume it’s a matter of situation rather than character? Do you leave the trail cleaner than you found it? Do you confront incivility when you find it in your midst?

47 Life’s Real Tests: “Paper tests are poor proxies for the tests of lifeLife’s Real Tests: “Paper tests are poor proxies for the tests of life.” ~PFB tweet Answer “Yes or No” Do core virtues win the daily battle for your soul? Do you exceed the need when meeting your family and community obligations? Do you give more than you take? Are you playful? Do you model that hard work trumps talent every time? Do you believe in something larger than you and yours? PFB Tweet: “Values are the value-added of an independent school education.”

48 Public Purpose of Private Schools in a Democratic SocietyService: Original purpose was to educate the sons of the rich for service to the democracy. Historic purposes of 300-year tradition of independent schools best expressed in charter of Phillips Exeter: “Goodness without knowledge is feeble; knowledge without goodness is dangerous.” Service learning. Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness: To offer parental choice for education in a values context. Two Supreme Court cases provide the basis in Constitutional law for private schools: 1819 Dartmouth College case (inviolability of contracts); 1922 Pierce vs. Society of Sisters (rights of parents to direct the education of their children—state can’t prohibit Catholic school education: “The child is not the mere creature of the state”). College-Prep Academics: Labor Dept. stats project a need for around 20% of jobs requiring a college-level education. Private schools disproportionately the source.

49 Public Purpose of Private Schools in a Democratic SocietyLaboratories for Innovation: Independent schools among the most innovative schools, bringing to the field new thinking and strategies for teaching and learning that are openly shared. Reggio Emilia; project-based learning; value-added testing; experiential learning; 1:1 laptop programs; etc. Resources, freedom to experiment, absence of unions and bureaucracy, and critical mass of faculty with liberal arts degrees from selective colleges are the raw materials for innovation: school culture where motivation driven by “autonomy, mastery, and purpose” is the climate where experimentation can take root. Advancing Social Justice & “Human Capital”: Private schools disproportionately integrated and diverse because population not restricted by local geography. Private schools disproportionately successful in matriculating lower socio-economic level students to college, where they are four times more likely to graduate than those from public schools. President Obama the poster child.

50 Psst! 'Human Capital‘ -DAVID BROOKS “What Works” for Success New York Times Op-Ed, Nov 13, 2005Cultural Capital: the habits, assumptions, emotional dispositions and linguistic capacities we unconsciously pick up from families, neighbors and ethnic groups - usually by age 3. PFB note: Is it “cool” to read, to study, or not? Is it the school’s fault or my fault if I’m doing poorly? Social Capital: the knowledge of how to behave in groups and within institutions. PFB note: UNC classes for students on how to behave in restaurants; needed: school classes for parents on how to behave on the sidelines at games. Moral Capital: the ability to be trustworthy. PFB note: “90% of life is just showing up.” ~Woody Allen. “Counter-culture” of independent schools.

51 Psst! 'Human Capital‘ -DAVID BROOKS “What Works” for Success New York Times Op-Ed, Nov 13, 2005Aspirational Capital: the fire-in-the-belly ambition to achieve. PFB Note: Millionaire studies: C+/B- students—who were told they wouldn’t amount to much. Worrying about “self-esteem” vs. encouraging “prove them wrong.” Chinese and Indian Youth: More-driven, not less. (See “Two Million Minutes” YouTube trailer. Cognitive Capital: This can mean pure, inherited brainpower. But important cognitive skills are not measured by IQ tests and are not fixed. PFB Note: EQ more important in life than IQ, especially empathy and social judgment.

52 Educational Reform in America: Not much return on investment. David Brooks: “The only things that work are local, human-to-human immersions that transform the students down to their very beings. Extraordinary schools, which create intense cultures of achievement, work. Extraordinary teachers, who inspire students to transform their lives, work.” Psst! 'Human Capital‘ -DAVID BROOKS “What Works” for Success New York Times Op-Ed, Nov 13, 2005

53 Their Dangerous Swagger New York Times Op – Ed, June 9, 2010 by Maureen DowdIt was set up like a fantasy football league draft. The height, weight and performance statistics of the draftees were offered to decide who would make the cut and who would emerge as the No. 1 pick. But the players in this predatory game were not famous N.F.L. stars. They were unwitting girls about to start high school. A group of soon-to-be freshmen boys at an elite private grade school and high school for boys in a wealthy Washington suburb was drafting local girls…. One team was called “The Southside Slampigs,” and one boy dubbed his team with crude street slang for drug-addicted prostitutes. The young woman who was the “top pick” was described by one of the boys in a team profile he put up online as “sweet, outgoing, friendly, willing to get down and dirty and [expletive] party. Coming in at 90 pounds, 5’2 and a bra size 34d.” She would be a special asset to the team, he noted, because her mother “is quite the cougar herself.” …..

54 Head: “How would you answer this boy?”Subject: I’d love to spend some time on this topic next year June 26, 2010 at 1:21 am | Reply edit I'm afraid many boys my age would find this 'game' highly inventive and hilarious. And, though I understand the terrible implications of such a sex-draft, my initial reaction was that this was a funny way of satirizing already funny practices, like the sought-after prom invitation. Sadly, this is no satire. This is the way the Facebook generation interacts. The reality is that trying to win over girls is a game for boys (as is trying to be won over, for girls). We all participate in the metaphorical draft. Sure, boys enjoy it. But, from my keen and (what I like to consider) thoughtful observation, girls seem to as well. I can't help but think that a majority of girls my age would be honored to be drafted in round 1 or 2. I can't help but think that, perhaps, the sweet young girl who is willing to get down and [expletive] party may not be demanding respect from the boys who are crazy about her. (NB only the parents' views were mentioned) I am desensitized. I exist in a world where racking up encounters is the name of the game. And this formalized version of the status quo, initially, comes off as the same innocuous stuff that happens on any weekend. And, yes, I think it's somewhat sad that our interaction is devoid of any emotional attachment. (What is love, after all?) Indeed, our 'love' interests and hook-ups are, for the most part, no more than a game.

55 Head: “How would you answer this boy?”Subject: I’d love to spend some time on this topic next year (Cont.) June 26, 2010 at 1:21 am | Reply   edit I don't enjoy saying that. But, where I differ in my view is that I see it less as a victimization of the innocent girls, and more of an indicator of the extent to which our interaction has degraded. I can't accept that this is just a result of a corrupted male generation. I don't think that any degree of feminist education can solve this. Perhaps its due to my male-dominated milieu, perhaps it is because I have no sisters, daughter, or long-time girlfriend. Or perhaps it is because the girls I see don't seem to respect themselves as much as their private girls' schools would like to think they do. I think It's a real problem. But it's a problem with all of us, not just half of us. I guess, then, we can attribute this admittedly disgraceful behavior to either some sort of long-term decline in our ability to appreciate each other (asexually), youth and its associated ignorance, or scholastic segregation. For now, I like to think it’s a combination of the latter two, and, maybe, just maybe, those two will change when we emerge from the male world and enter the real world. But the question I ultimately face is, is it wrong to understand the shallowness of a generation but to partake gleefully in its customs of courtship?

56 Head: “How would you answer this boy?”PFB’s Response—The Teachable Moment: “You’ve got a point.  And thanks for making it thoughtfully.  But we all have a choice to make in terms of how we relate to the opposite sex, and the pattern you set when you are young is the pattern you are destined to follow when you are an adult. Either you’ll treat girls and then women with respect and dignity, or you won’t.  And long term, the former pattern is so much more rewarding than the latter because it’s the basis of lasting relationships, which are one of the handful of things in life that are meaningful.” Return

57 High Expectations

58 Parents have most profound impact on morals. How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral & Emotional Development Parents have most profound impact on morals. Mixed signals from parents: spectrum from “I want my child to be happy” (Anthony Campolo) to Black Swan / Tiger Mom expectations of “perfection.” Weissbourd’s research: Teens’ perception of what they believe to be the most important value for them in their parents’ mind: For you to be happy Achieving a high level of income Having a high status job Being a good person who cares about others Gaining entrance into a selective college 2/3rds public & private school kids thought #1 over #4. ½ of high income private school kids thought #5 over #4. Weissbourd’s comment on academic “pressure”: 30-40% of Harvard’s undergrads on anti-depressants. Return

59 Predictable Irrationality - Dan Ariely